he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
