o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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