I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
