I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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