Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
