My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
