just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
