The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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