Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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