I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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