You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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