mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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