I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
