I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
