Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
