they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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