I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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