I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He did a backflip because drugs
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