the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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