We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
is wine microwaveable?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
