dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
