rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
