Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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