I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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