i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
