i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
