Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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