I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
