She just used a chaser for red wine.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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