yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
BRING THE BAGELS
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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