What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
