Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
