Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
