I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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