i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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