This is not my ceiling
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
