My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
