I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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