3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
