Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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