I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
