I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
