Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
