just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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