the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i drank out of a bidet.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
