Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
