Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
