I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
