i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
