His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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