dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
