You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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